The Mystery Roll

You probably don't know that I am working on a humor book. Yes (alec) I am still working on that. This blog here is in need of a post, so I am cross-posting something I wrote for the book earlier today here. Enjoy.

Frances Burney

British Writers has me reading Frances Burney, who wrote about her mastectomy. Reading a first hand account of her de-boob-ing, I - for some unknown and forever haunting reason - decided to Google image search 'Mastectomy'. Here is a second by second account of my thoughts.

"Huh, boobs. Not to bad. More boobs, I'm fine with this. Most of these boobs are intact. That image looks like it is from a stock photo website. I wonder if th---OH MY GOD MY EYES OH MAN SWEET LORD GOD AHH AHHHH AHHHHHH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS ALT F4! ALT F4!!!!!!!!"

Amazon Recommendations: Not a Quill

So making a joke against twitter's #penchat and #pencilchat, I am trying to start #quillchat. Of course I went to amazon to try and purchase a cheap quill set so I could get pictures to accompany the gags, upstart the quill re-birth movement. ("stay classic, stay classy, stay quill" is the WIP slogan). Long story short, Amazon does not know what to do with people like me, who purchase such eclectic things with it. Hey Amazon, not all eclectic people wear Tutu's! That is an stereotype! Please stop recommending I purchase tutu's!

 

 

Bah! Humbug

I despise Christmas music. Maybe it's me being a Grinch, or an unemotional soulless asshole, but I have always hated Christmas music.  I resent the fact that one of my favorite artists, M.Ward, spent a lot of time he could be using on other music efforts to release a Christmas album (a very she & him Christmas). Christmas music is where music goes to die. Bad music that is played on the radio constantly 1 month of the year. I avoid at all costs, the catchy tunes will have me infected with more misery (not the intended joy). I am keeping my noise cancelling headphones with me everywhere around campus, needing to avoid Christmas music at all costs.

It was to my surprise and pleasure to find an interesting setting in Last.fm's page:

A Christmas music filter! Genius! I need one of these for everywhere. I can't deafen myself for just a month all that easily, although the thought of pouring molten acid into my ears is seeming more and more appealing. Last.fm, I applaud you.

Christmas music, I hate you!