This is why we cant play L4D2

See me? On the right? I'm dead. My friend? He is at shooting gallery. Entirely Unhelpful. My friends and I suck at this game

Mount and Blade: Warband - Day 5

This is the part where I should have been on day 1, The part where I succeed!
This day is played with one of my friends (over 600 hours in this game) looking over my shoulder and telling me where to click. Lets do this!

The first thing we did was upgrade my equipment and ride to a kingdom that didn’t hate me for repeatedly forcing supplies from its villages. Green colored people land, Here I come!

A band of 14 mountain bandits attacked me. This is normally the point where a little bit of poop would appear in my trousers and I would think Oh no, more rape. My friend, over my shoulder looked at me and informed me “Attack”.
Attack I thought? I have been in this game long enough to know that wouldn’t work. My friend has an impressive beard and is therefore quite persuasive. Attack I shall.

“First let them run out of ammo. You can reload from a chest for more arrows. They can't do this, so just circle strafe until they run out.”

Circle strafing done (or so I thought), I prepared for my offense. Just need to find the chest.
Looking for the chest for about 8 minutes – a long time to run around randomly—eventually they got me.

With an arrow to the face, one of the dirty AI’s must have been hoarding it. Like a bitch.
We recovered quickly, regained supplies, and approached some bandits again. Still no troops at my side, but I knew where my chest was this time. (Hit backspace at the beginning of a battle and take note). The strategy, after they ran out of ranged weapons, is to ride past them, and as they walked to me, shoot at them until they got close. Then then run again.

The strategy worked so well, I witnesses something peculiar. This person was running away! Wimp! I chased him down and added a significant more metal to the composition of the back of his head.


Wait – What was this? My first victory! Ever!?! That it is good sirs. Hunter has taken his first step into the bloody ring of success. HoomotherfuckingRah!
I was on something of a roll. No challenge could surpass me.
With some more money from selling the bandits stuff, I purchased an aid.
Nazir, the overconfident sunofabitch who (do this day, many battles later) has yet to survive or die.
I also talked to a farmer,and decided to help him. See what that says there? This NPC is calling me a FEARSOME WARRIOR! I had to stop and blink a lot of times. Sure, I may by this time be known as something of a bandit hunter, but ‘fearsome warrior’ is just too much to ask. Since a little bit of flattery is all it takes to persuade me to do something, I said I would help him.
My men, and the villagers ready to attack.


Victory! I took the supplies the villagers offered me (didn’t even think about declining. Friend said it would increase honor, and recommended it. He doesn’t know what my character’s butthole has been through. I took the supplies.
My next fight would not be an easy one. I was taking on 23 other men, and halfway through, 21 more bandits joined their side. It took 40 human minutes of fighting. Except for the peasant battle, I have not won a single battle with anybody but me alive and conscious.
I kept fighting, but I had to remember my original mission. A wife to abuse love for ever and ever. I headed to all the castles I could, but no lady would even listen to me.
Bitches. I had to do something drastic. Like pledge my allegiance to the green-text-people! I did that! no help, but I did have fun losing all of my upgraded men in a joint battle with some orange-text-people.


The above photo is my epic flank of the enemy. I swung around (secretly!) and was quickly met by all of their archers turning around and shooting in to me, the drastically closer enemy. But hey – I did a damn good job of distracting them, and despite losing consciousness, we won the battle. Or, well, I did. All my men died!
I still had some drastic lady-problems, and Nazir was too injured to throw me a sloppy-second. I also needed some money.
Winning the tournament did that! 200 prize, plus the 3980 moneys from placing bets on myself. But still, the bitches didn’t bite.
I decided to stop while I was ahead. I finally got out of the dress (probably a turn-off) and I am playing the game properly. Except for that I can’t seem to win a battle with any troops alive. Well, that’s a story for another day.

Mount and Blade: Warband Day 4

The day where I lose everything, gain it back, lose it, etc..



I began by heading over to Reyvadinpalinkalin. I assessed some prices and had to buy some fish so I could sell them somewhere else for a profit. That somewhere Else? At the bottom of the fecking desert. But I bravely marched on, like a boss.
Apparently you shouldn’t enter villages at night, because bandits will attack you.
…
Bandits attacked me.


Take a note to all of the arrows on the left.
Unfortunately I had no arrows, or… well, anything, really.
I threw my knifes and then my rocks until I ran out. This happened a little too quickly. My only hope was to rush then for some fisticuffs, but, uh, It didn’t work. The bandits took all of my stuff, including my clothes and horse. So Not only do I not have a dress (and the boobs that come with it) I also do not have any dignity.


I will abbreviate what happened next in a few pictures that should sum it up.









2 weeks. 2 fucking weeks. That (in game) is how long I was bitch-handled across the desert by various groups coming to attack me. I had 0 moneys, 0 clothes, 0 dignity, 0…anything.
I had hit in-game rock bottom. It is impossible to do any worse in the game.
Well, FUCK!
I had to do something to get back on track!
I fought in the arena and got myself up to the point where I was able to buy a bow, some arrows, and a club. This took a while, but You got to do what you got to do. When I felt I had enough resources to lay on an attack,  I visited a village, recruited one peasant to fight with me, and then took a hostile action on that very same village.

They did not like it very much.

Who knew there would be so many peasants? There’s like, what? 3 buildings in the whole damn town! They must pack the kids into roofs or something, probably gaining some developmental disorder. I say that because my recruit was very useless when I turned him on his own people after all of 16 seconds of training.

I was fighting them with the same club they were using to fight me. Really? How low can I go?
Apparently pretty low, because they killed me.
As I lay there, dead, in my dress, probably about to get sexually molested (I do have boobs with the dress on), I decided I had to do something to get myself back on track. Again.
One lucky break up out of the desert, and I headed for the training fields. I alternated between the training fields (where I beat all levels of AI) and the arena, where I grinded and earned enough money to hire some more troops and some better weapons.
At the same time I was also recruiting a few volunteers. Once again I took hostile action against a town and – it worked this time! They begrudgingly handed over their supplies!
SUCK IT, PEASANTS!
As a retrospective side note, one is supposed to keep food in their inventory, you know, for something to eat. Just letting all you people know. I found out the hard way.
I sold food for enough money to buy a horse. It is, of course, only a horse in the most technical of senses – 4 legs, neighing noises. Outside of that it is more comparable to an truck without tires, or perhaps a large rock. A large rock with little health, might I add.
While shuttling between villages and training field, I encountered a battle that I might be able to win. It would be my first victory. Challenge motherfucking accepted.


There is some text in the bottom corner that says ‘battle advantage = –1’. I ignored that as I charged my untrained troops on! Huzzah!

The blurry things you see in the above image? Spears headed towards my head. Hundreds of them, I dodged most by strafing circles, letting my peasants get murdered. They killed a few of the enemy (the enemy probably laughing to death), but soon all of my men had died. No wounded. No unconscious. All dead.

I suffered similar a treatment soon after.
So today I did worse than others thought possible. I want to tell you that I actually lightened this up a bit. I excluded a fair amount of lost battles, and I decided not to delve into the 2 weeks I spent in perpetual imprisonment in the desert. Fuck the desert. I need some help!
Stay tuned for tomorrow, where things turn around with some instruction from my friend.

Mount and Blade: Warband – day 3.

The part where I try multiplayer.

With Goat_Cheese’s help, do I even have a chance of succeeding?

 

 

 

Probably Not!

This is the part where I try multiplayer

 

I had thought I was done with this game, for the day at least, but I received an invitation from my friend Goat_Cheese. Spending most of yesterday (OK, technically earlier today as I write this) in the arena left me with an invigorated feeling of arena-readiness. This feeling was entirely misinformed, as I got my butt served back to me (not even on silver platters, the ungrateful tarts) so many times, I feel I could have easily used them to stack myself a fairly large defense. But My butt-wall wouldn’t have done me any good anyway, I would have died sooner or later.

I start on the server spectating, wanting to get the lay of the land was my idea. Reality is I didn’t know to hit escape and pick a team. Red or Blue here, standard team colors, but I later learned that’s a coincidence.

I pick some gibberishy name that brings me onto the blue team. (Blue team, moving out! TF2 sound clips playing in my head, a game I don’t drink newbsauce through a straw at)

See those red tickers in the bottom left. Those will inform me every time anyone day, (statistically speaking: every time I die). I stand in this preparation pit before another Blue character spawns behind me, then ungratefully slashes me in the back with what appeared to be a 8 foot long axe [of doom]. “What is this madness?” I screamed into the microphone. “Team kills, or …what?”. Goat_Cheese only laughed at my blatant Newbitude. “No dude, it’s a death match! Kill everyone”

With whatever default weapon load out prepared, I charged the field and got owned. again and again. I believe it was 11 deaths in before I got my first kill, which was not a well deserved kill.

Figuring out how to switch weapons with coin I was somehow earning (I assume mercy points)

One spawn area is connected to the next, and I shot at a bunch of fighting dudes through. Nanananapoopoo! You can’t touch me!

But the guy that spawned behind me? He can touch me. And he did. With a battle axe.

30 more minutes of doing my best on the very bottom of the server rankings, I had figured out the basics of playing, such as how to use all the different weapons, upgrade my equipment, and the like. Then this game ended, I got some Steam achievement for winning

I art Elite Warrior! Fear the magical fact that I am a winner of awesome! Or something.

Confidence restored, I continued on to the next map. (which was the same map). But something was different…

Ah. The bots. The server decided that adding 40 (count it, 40!) bots would be an idea that falls into the ‘good’ category. As it so clearly does not fall into the 'good’ category of ideas, but rather into the ‘craptastic flamwar botfest pwnage sucky’ category. Also the ‘bad’ one.

A vote was called that ended the bot spam pretty quickly, but I actually did the best with all of the bots. I sat back as an archer and killed the armorless bastards from a distance.

Not that it worked well. I was still on bottom. But whatever, I say! Poo on you with your better weapon and horse-riding-ability-manship! I say poo on to all of that! I am going streaking! I esc’d into equipment and removed all my weapons and armor. Only some cheap cloth continued. Raiding the battlefield I ran away from everyone for as long as I could before I got trampled or beaten or sliced.

Surprisingly, I was not declared a troll (eMenace), but rather ignored. This sort of behavior is accepted by small numbers of people. In this case, one. “Let him be an idiot, it means more kills for me” is probably what everyone else said to themselves.

Except for Goat_Cheese. We were voice-chatting (I feel that’s redundant) and he decided to join me. Goat_Cheese! I challenge you to fisticuffs!

What happened next was surprising: Others joined in.

The server’s chaos level escalated, some players really not liking it. Most going along with the all-in-good-spirit of fun in a very serious multiplayer game. Some would still draw swords and gain cheap kills, but we kicked one guy who did it and then the center wring was held as fisticuffs center. Fighting with hands a must. Side note: It’s hard to kill people with just your hands!

Sad but true, the fist only action was short lives. Next round, a fresh host of new players appeared and the ones were to busy being killed to explain the (not actually) fighting rules. This means I went back to sucking. (as opposed to sucking, but equally.)

My spout of multiplayer re-inspired my hopes in this game. I was worried I would have to stop doing these write-ups as I failed continually, and the same thing again and again sucks. But messing with a multiplayer server is always fun (in fun-spirit, no trolling, Fuckers!)

I quit and worked on homework. Bleh Homework! Bleh juggling/unicycling/harmonica practice! I am decided on college (DePauw!), why not spend time playing fun video games!

Also, It’s only $6 now.

I promise I will update other stuff soon, too.